A father has a very important place in a family. That is no different in a large family, especially when it is important for both parents to be involved to handle the extra workload of lots of kids. Just as with any job, fathering is not always the easiest thing to do. It can be useful for a man to know what not to do--that is, what to avoid--in a complicated family situation. This article is a collection of advice given by seasoned fathers to help others avoid mistakes they have made.
The following is an excerpt of an article written by educational consultant, James B. Stenton, of the website ParentLeadership.com.
- Don't neglect your wife. She needs what we all need:
understanding, affection, gratitude, support, and appreciation. For sure, she
doesn't get these from the kids when they're small. So if she doesn't get them
from her husband either, then she doesn't get them at all. You can tell you're
neglecting your wife if she starts complaining about small things around the
house, one after another, circling around and around the central problem: your
apparent unconcern for her. Wake up. Pay attention. Listen to her opinion,
help her out, tell her she's great, hug and kiss her from time to time--all
this goes a long way.
- Don't underestimate your children. Have high ambitions for
their swift, step-by-step growth into maturity. We all tend to become what we
think about, and kids tend to become what their parents expect of them. Even
when they sometimes let you down and you have to correct them, make them
understand that you see this as just a blip along the way. You have no doubt,
none whatever, that they'll someday grow into excellent men and women. You're
proud of them, confident in them. Always will be.
- Don't treat teenagers like large children. Think of them,
and treat them, as near-adults. Pull them up, fine-tune their consciences,
welcome them to adult reality. Show them how to balance a checkbook, pursue a
job, work professionally, please their bosses, deal respectfully with the
opposite sex. Show them how to buy good clothes, take care of their wardrobe,
and dress well. When they complain, "Why don't you trust me?" teach them that
you distinguish between integrity and judgment. You trust their integrity and
sense of family honor, their honesty and good intentions--always have, always
will. But what you must have reservations about for now, in good conscience,
is their inexperienced judgment; that is, you cannot let them hurt themselves
through their nave blunders. When they start thinking like responsible
adults, then you'll trust them right across the board--in judgment as well as
integrity.
- Don't ever tell your teens that the high-school years are
the best part of their lives. This isn't true. Adolescence is, in fact, one of
life's toughest times: teens have to cope with blunders and glandular
upheavals, surfing up and down learning curves. Tell your adolescent children,
and above all show them, that every stage of life is interesting, challenging,
and enjoyable for anyone with a sporting, adventurous spirit. Teens who've
been well brought up have a great life ahead of them, like the life they see
in you. (Think about it: How many older teens and young adults are tempted to
suicide because they believe what they've been told: the best part of life is
behind them?)
- Don't let your children weasel out of commitments. Don't
let them take back their word on a whim. Before they make promises or
otherwise commit themselves to a course of action, press them to think
consequences through and understand their terms, because you will hold them to
their word. If they want to buy a pet, make them first commit themselves to
feeding and caring for it--then hold them to that. If they accept an
invitation to a party (after first checking with you and your wife), they're
obligated to be there even if something more alluring turns up. If they want
to take guitar lessons, make them promise to persevere, no matter what, for
six months or a year or whatever seems reasonable.
- When you're correcting your children and they petulantly
ask "Why?"--don't argue with them. If they're looking for an explanation, give
it once only. If they persist with "Why?" then they're looking for an
argument, not an explanation. Close off the matter. In other words, they must
take your "no" as an answer, but you don't take theirs. You can dialogue with
your kids about many issues, but there's no "dialogue" about your rights as a
father.
- Don't let your kids dress in such a way as to bring shame
to the family. Nobody has a right to do this.
- Don't miss small opportunities to talk with your kids.
Listen politely and respectfully. You can talk with them while driving, doing
dishes and other chores together, walking and biking, working on hobbies you
share, tucking them into bed. If you cut down on tube-watching, you'll find
slivers and chunks of time here and there in family life. Make the time, and
never forget you haven't much of it left--for your kids will grow up with
incredible swiftness.
- Don't shout at your kids so often. It's a waste of breath.
If one of your children needs a talking to, take him or her out for a walk or
a soda--and say what you have to say in a calm, serious way. Don't forget to
listen, either--for your kids' view of things, though mostly wrong, may still
have a point. A couple of heart-to-heart talks are better than a dozen
explosions.
- Don't get trapped into blazing arguments, especially with
your teens, and most especially if you have a temper. Words can wound and take
a long time to heal. If tempers are flaring, put off the discussion till
later--that evening or the next day--when you've both cooled down. If you go
too far, be the first to apologize.
- Don't forget to praise your children, and be specific
about it. Kids need a pat on the back from time to time. We all do. Give
praise for effort, not just success. Teach the kids this adult-life lesson:
because success depends on effort, then effort is more important than success.
You always appreciate when your children try.
- Come down to your children's level, but don't stay there.
Kids are kids, and you have to come down to their level to take them by the
hand. But your long-term goal is to bring them up to your own level--to lead
them, patiently over time, to think and act like mature grown-ups. So live
like a grown-up. Enjoy being an adult on top of life, and let them see what
this means. If they see you enjoy living as a confident, productive adult,
they'll have a life to look forward to.
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